'Supernatural' Recap Season 7 Finale: "Survival of the Fittest."

The season finale–what more can I really say? Box of tissues used to its fullest and pillows used to muffle my screams/sobs/hysterical laughter, I think I can honestly say that the episode had its good moments.

It was actually a fairly good representative of season 7 as a whole–a few good spots, but viewed altogether, it could have been better.

Usually, finales are thrill-inducing, edge-of-your-seat sort of things, but the action in this one didn’t start until, oh the 30-minute mark.

We start off with Roman and Crowley negotiating a legal contract. Yes, a legal contract, because apparently they couldn’t just kiss and make a deal like everyone else.

Their deal is; Roman is letting the demons have Canada in exchange for Crowley agreeing to give Sam and Dean fake “King of Hell” blood, thoroughly messing up the Leviathan-killing plan they have going.

And The Winchesters are breaking into a place and grabbing a nun bone, because apparently Dean (The Righteous Man) isn’t righteous enough for them to use his rib for the weapon. Which would have been like fifty times cooler. Oh, and apparently Castiel showed up naked on Dean’s car covered in bees at some point in time. Just throwing that out there.

So, having acquired everything except Crowley’s blood, the Winchesters call the King of Hell. But he doesn’t show up. Instead, Meg comes in the door and metaphorically drops Cas on them, because apparently she’s tired of dealing with the “emo boy”. Cas is also apparently very opposed to animal testing.

But Crowley decides to drop in and crash their party, spotting both Meg and Castiel, but deciding for whatever reason to cooperate with the brothers, surrendering his blood and not even killing anyone even though they were right there.

Meanwhile, remember last episode when Bobby took a maid to go after Roman? Yeah, he’s still got her, and is still sort of doing that.

Cut to Kevin, still imprisoned in Roman enterprises or whatever they’re calling themselves nowadays, joined by some blonde chick who’s obviously been eating a little too much corn syrup and is pretty out of it. Confusion all around.

The Winchesters make the most anti-climactic God Weapon ever, and Cas makes sandwiches, again reaffirming the fact that he in no way wants to go head-to-head with any Leviathans.

Back to Sucrocorp, where Dick Roman has an arm in a box and has invited all his monster buddies over for a press conference, getting little miss blonde girl all dressed up for it. And Kevin apparently actually learned something useful in Advanced Placement, and manages to pick the lock of the room he’s being held in, escaping–because it’s not like there’re cameras all over the building or anything.

Roman holds a handy dandy conference so us as the audience know exactly what he’s doing with the whole harvesting-humans-as-cattle thing (any of you gone vegan yet? Kevin has, apparently) and exhibits his new drug that kills skinny people on the now late Polly. Kevin eavesdrops and is majorly freaked out, and tries to escape but fails horribly.

Sam and Dean use Charlie’s (remember Charlie?) programming to hack into Sucrocorp’s cameras (told you they were everywhere), and notice that, okay, apparently

there’s a Dick on every floor, because newsflash Leviathan are shapeshifters.

Bobby drives up in his rent-a-body, ready to march in there and cut up some Leviathans, but Sam spots him and knocks him out of the body with his moose powers (that may or may not be what actually happened), saving the maid and making sure Bobby doesn’t go completely insane.

Plan officially messed up for the night since they had to bolt and save the maid, they meet up again at their cabin place and Meg reveals that, oh, they need Castiel to come with them since he can spot the real Roman.

And as a little side note, they finally send Bobby to where ever salted-and-burned ghosts go. It wasn’t actually as sad as it should have been, due to them shoving it in to this whole Leviathan mess. I’m not sure if that’s good or not.

Now, to the 30-minute mark I mentioned–Castiel and Dean have a little heart-to-heart, ending in Cas agreeing to help them, and the star of the show finally returns!

And by that I mean the Impala, of course, because we all knows that she’s what the fans have been waiting for ever since “Slash Fiction” happened.

They get Baby and drive her up to Sucrocorp, crashing through everything that will give easy enough not to scratch the finish, and use it as a distraction to sneak in and implement their plan. Meg goes in hacking and slashing, and Dean takes Cas to investigate the Dick clones, and I’m not sure what exactly Sam’s original role in all of this is, but he ends up finding Kevin and agrees to help him blow up the lab with all the killer drugs in it.

Meg runs into some trouble outside, though–there’re demons stationed around the building, and they take her to see Crowley, at least as far as we know.

Dean and Cas somehow make it through the building unmolested, and stab Roman. Twice. Of course, Sam shows up right as Dick’s going through the obligatory I’m-a-powerful-monster-that-just-got-Winchester’d phase, and everyone in the room gets splattered with Leviathan blood.

So, that’s that, right? Roman’s dead, the Leviathans will probably all fall on the ground and start crying or something (the prophecy was really vague, okay?), so now

everyone gets to go out and get drunk.

Oh, wait, no, I forgot we were watching Supernatural here. No happy endings allowed.

Dick’s gone, but for some reason, so are Dean and Castiel!?! Crowley shows up and takes Kevin, Castiel and Dean are trapped in Purgatory, and Sam is left confused and completely alone in the middle of Sucrocorp, once again left without his brother, aka basically his other half.

So, final analysis–

Most of the episode: pretty good, in terms of television as a hole. Mediocre in terms of the bar ‘Supernatural’ has set.

Then the last five minutes came around and now all of the ‘Supernatural’ fandom is hooking up their cryogenic freezing machines so they can sleep until October, because it turns out that the 10% that’s worth dying for decided to all accumulate in the cliffhanger at the end of the season.

See you on the other end of the Hellatus, guys. If any of us survive that long.