My Dad Wrote A What?

 

Almost a year ago a friend of mine sends me an urgent message on Facebook: Meg, new podcast for you, My Dad Wrote a Porno. You have to listen.

A few days later I found myself needing something new as I drove an hour to pick up my sister from the airport. So I went online, searched for My Dad Wrote A Porno + Podcast and hit play. I will forever be grateful (and traumatized) that I did. Its starts off with three British accents (full disclosure, I would probably listen to just about anything in a British accent):

“The following podcast contains adult themes, sexual content and strong language–basically, all the good stuff.

Now, Jamie why are we here?

We’re here because my dad’s written a porno… Erotic literature.”

“Why?”

OMG. This is a podcast LITERALLY about a guy whose dad wrote a porno. What?

In case you haven’t heard of the podcast with over 100 million downloads, here’s the story:

A few years back, Jamie Morton’s father retired and decided he wanted to try his hand at writing. Originally both of his parents wrote travelogues and guides, self-publishing on Amazon. Then Dad heard of the success of Fifty Colours of Gray and thought he’d try his hand at writing erotica. And that is how the world has been blessed/cursed (it’s a toss up in any given episode), with Rocky Flintstone’s Belinda Blinked; 1 A modern story of sex, erotica and passion. How the sexiest sales girl in business earns her huge bonus by being the best at removing her high heels. (And yes, that’s just the title).

Each week Jamie sits around the kitchen table and speaks with his two college friends, Alice and James, reading a chapter of his father’s book. And what a book it is… wow. Rocky Flintstone’s “command” of the English language is absolutely as baffling as his understanding of female anatomy, or the very act of sexual intercourse. Therein lies the fun of the podcast–three friends reading some of the worst prose I have ever come across, laughing at Rocky’s style, syntax and fantastic plot lines–and constantly reminding Jamie it all came from his father’s brain.

For example, we begin with the debate: did Rocky intend for Belinda to wink, rather than blink? What is so sexy about a woman named Belinda Blumenthal blinking: “No, that makes me think ophthalmic issues… it makes me think about cataracts, actually,” says Alice.

Because I don’t want to rob anyone of the joy of hearing this piece of literature for the first time, I’ll stick to a very brief overview of the premiere episode. Belinda Blumenthal is interviewing to be Sales Director for Steele’s Pots and Pans and is promptly asked to take off her blouse, then her skirt. She’s down to merely a sexy set of black underwear and stockings, “which she didn’t apologize for.”

“Oh, the number of times I have felt the need to apologize and just haven’t for my skimpy black underwear…” Alice remarks.

The chapter only gets crazier from there. Belinda goes on to strip for (and then some) for a number of people. Now, I’ve read quite a bit of smut–classy, trashy, niche–and I have never in my life heard/read anything like this. Neither had the three hosts of the show, inserting commentary left and right. About 15 minutes into the first episode I found myself laughing so hard I almost crashed my car into a tree (listen with caution, please). I had to pull over and wipe the tears of laughter from my eyes. It is written as though this man, a father of four, has never encountered a woman’s body; the story alternates from so bad it’s hilarious to so bad it’s revolting. A real laugh until you heave kind of situation.

I was hooked.

I finished the first season in three days. 13 episodes and a few “footnotes,” or mini-episodes where they discuss Rocky’s biography, casting the movie version, and then, most amazing of all, interviews with celebrities who are Belinkers, the name for superfans. On the list of stars interviewed we find Elijah Wood, Daisy Ridley, Rachel Bloom, Thomas Middleditch, Michael Sheen and Mara Wilson.

Since that first night, Jamie Morton, James Cooper, Alice Levine and, of course, the inimitable treasure, Rocky Flintstone, have been a part of my life. This podcast was played loudly almost the entire weekend of my bachelorette party as we drank wine and lazed around in front of a fire. When I had a terrible day at work and was questioning my career choices, I listened to a few episodes and was reminded that it’s never too late to pursue you dreams and try something new. I have bonded more closely with my friends who listen (for Christmas three of us bought each other the annotated hardback copy of the book). Finally, it is a constant reminder to never take anything too seriously. Even though I wouldn’t recommend Belinda as most women’s role model, I think Rocky is a great example of someone who pursues joy and lives life on his own terms from his backyard “Pavilion” (read: shed) guzzling Chilean Chardonnay. This show may not be for everyone, in fact it probably isn’t, but for me it has been a never-ending source of joy, hilarity and a new found gratitude that my parents are both very prudish with no desire to write anything, ever.

Click here to listen to My Dad Wrote a Porno. 

What do you think, any naked skeletons in your parents’ closet? Are you a Belinker or wish to be one now? Comment below.