***Note-This is a personal post and it may be triggering to some. However, I’ve never been known to hold back and what I say in this post is 100% true, no matter how blunt it may seem. This is being posted because there may be others who are going through similar battles and may feel alone in the world. Please know that you are not alone and that the things you are feeling are worth something.
Please, if you are struggling with anything, reach out***
Last year, I wanted to kill myself. I’ll be honest about it. It’s time for me to come clean with all of you. Because we now have a fresh start with season three, a chance to clean the slate and create a bigger audience than ever before. And I can’t seem to do that will all of the weight I’ve been carrying around.
Over the past five months, day after day, I was presented with the same question. “Why do you care about Stitchers so much?”
It was an enormous question-one I could never really find the answer too. So many reasons would flood my mind: The writing, the characters, the community, the show itself. But those were superficial answers; answers that I knew would satisfy someone if they heard them. The real answer, the reason I fought so hard, is because it saved me.
Last year, I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. It crippled me with my constant mood swings and moments of mania. It hindered everything I did, affected me in ways that I couldn’t even fathom. And while getting this diagnoses felt relieving, it also left an incredible burden in my heart. A burden that made me feel inconvenient to everyone around me. Some of you know exactly what I mean, for those who don’t; I would never wish it upon you.
Stitchers premiered right around the time of my diagnoses. At first, it was just another show I put on my schedule; but after a while I was hooked. I identified deeply with Kirsten; the lack of her emotions was everything I wish I could have had, because I was just honestly feeling too much. Seeing her be recruited and join a team was a way of making me feel like I had been recruited as well, my team; this community. It’s something I’m thankful for every day.
As the season progressed so did I. It’s safe to say that those ten weeks of the first season were some of the best of my life. It gave me purpose, it gave me a mission: stay alive so you can see more of this. Because overcoming the demons in my mind seemed to look a lot easier when they did it on TV. But I kept going, I worked as hard as I could, talked to as many people as possible, and got word out in every corner of my community and life. I wanted Stitchers to stick around.
It wasn’t without trouble though, as with all communities; you lose members and friends that you thought you’d made for life. People who had bonded with you over this one thing. And I would be fooling myself if I could sit here today and say that everything in our fandom has gone smoothly, because it hasn’t. I will miss those who I no longer speak to anymore, but I hope they know the impact they had on my life and that they fueled my dedication for Stitchers.
Second season Kirsten taught me so much about myself. I know a lot of people were not happy with the fact that she had emotions, but I saw it as her growing and discovering her new emotions and struggling with what she was feeling. All things I was going through, and I deeply rooted myself within her character.
We fought hard for the second season and did what we could to make word known. Putting all of my heart, mind, and soul into everything and anything I could for the show, writing as much as my fingers would allow and campaigning as much as possible. But, I’ll be honest, because that’s what this post is all about…I hadn’t stopped to work on myself or my diagnoses, which is why I was absent most of the summer. I mean, I really tried to be the best that I could, but it was hard to keep that focus and faith when each day went by with no word. I never gave up hope though, because I never wanted it to end.
Now that season three is coming back, so is my hope, my faith, and that familiar feeling that I longed for without the show excitement. I am so thankful for this community, for Stitchers, and for Freeform. Most of all, I’m thankful for Kirsten Clark, because she showed me what it’s like to live despite the hardships of someone’s past. She showed me that it was okay to be myself and to be confused and angry and feel betrayed once in a while, but most of all; she showed me the most important thing: She showed me that being recruited and joining a team of people who love, care, and support you really does make life worth living.