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Exclusive Interview with Here Come The Mummies

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Here Come The Mummies wearing Vuarnet’s.

Talk Nerdy With Us chatted with Here Come The Mummies while at Lebowski Fest in Milwaukee. Read our exclusive interview with Java below.

We know you were founded in 1922 by Professor Dumblucke. 

Java: “Those British dudes, they’re always drunk. They got a lot of money, but don’t know shit. He was drunk all the time, but he was funny. And he found us, so that was cool, you know?”

How long had you guys been there before he discovered you?

“Hard to tell, baby. We was down and buried, man. We was out.”

So you were resurrected at some point? You hadn’t been around the whole time?

“Yeah. Yeah. It’s like, you ever been in your room kind of hung over?”

[Laughs]. Yeah.

“The curtains are black. You don’t get out of bed. I mean, we couldn’t get out of bed. We’d just pee right there. It ain’t nothing to ruin. (laughs).”

Fair enough. So you didn’t get to see anything historical take place? You were just hanging out down there?

“No, no, no. We get that a lot. I mean, they’re like, “Hey, what was it like meeting all these…?” No, we was out. It’s a shame, too. Because me and Benjamin Franklin, we would have had a good time. He liked old ladies too, yeah.”

So, being mummies, and being around for so long, I assume some of you guys are missing some fingers and some other parts. How do you get it on? I know you guys like getting it on.

“Oh! This is one thing you need to know. People always ask, “Hey, what’s your motivation, what’s your driving force?” We are all libido. Whereas, if it weren’t for our libido, we’d just be dead. We’d be still laying around. We are all libido. So, like I’ve got bad joints, but my Johnson, as long as it don’t get cut off tonight, it’s right. It’s righteous!”

The mummification didn’t mess with that? That’s all good?

“Right. No, no, no. You just get all wrapped up, man. The rest of you is fine. You take it off, and it might fall off, but that is righteous. I don’t know how that works.”

It’s good to go. (laughs). All right. So were you guys all this funky when you were alive, or were you kind of squares?

“Oh, total squares, man.”

What made you so funky?

“You know, if you have a long time to perfect stuff, you get good at it, right? So we have only one thing we’re interested in: schtupping. You know what I mean?”

Ya.

“That’s it. When you find out, “I need to get something done,” you get good at it. So, you know, you go around, you play classical music, they don’t get no schtupping. Well, almost none. Jazz musicians, they get almost none.

So you go, “Hey man, I see that funky stuff making everybody shake their ass. There is schtupping going on.” So we started playing, getting all funky. That’s why we got funky. So back in the day, we was squares. We was still schtupping, but you know, we used to play different music back then. That’s why we play funky music, now. It makes all the ladies sweat and shake their asses.”

How did you guys get involved with Lebowski Fest? You guys big fans of The Dude?

“Oh, dude. I don’t know, for a whole summer, man, that movie was on repeat. For real, I’m not even kissing up. We wore that shit out. We’re just all about Lebowski.”

Favorite scene?

“Oh man, I’m partial to the naked lady flying down and making art. Because it’s got a naked lady. I like that one a lot. I also like the nail polish scene. You know, “I’ll get you a toe, I’m finishing my coffee.” That’s kind of how I feel a lot. Like, “Nuh-uh, I ain’t leaving. I’m staying right here.” So, you know, it speaks to me. (laughs). You’re not Lebowski, I’m Lebowski.”

When you guys aren’t performing, what are you guys up to? Do you have to try to blend into the world at all?

“No, no, there ain’t no blending. People don’t like mummies. Let’s just face it. When we’re throwing down funky tunes they think we’re sexy, otherwise we just look like homeless people. You know what I mean? We just stay home, play video games. Do yard work. Hang out on computers, trolling for schtup.”

On Tinder?

“We’ve got some Tinder. We’ve got some Scruff. We’ve got some Grindr.”

Covering all the bases?

“All the basics, yeah. Ashley Madison. (laughs). You know.”

You said people don’t really like mummies that much, but you’ve got zombies and The Walking Dead. You’ve got vampires and Twilight. 

“Yeah, but they’re sexy.”

When are mummies going to get their due?

“Now, that’s a great question, and I have no idea. We’ve been wishing we knew the answer to that for a long time. Every time there are mummies, they’re annoying, you know what I mean? Like, the Brendan Frasier movie, that dude was so annoying we didn’t even watch those mummies. Boris Karloff was good mummy. But I don’t know if he was necessarily sexy. I don’t know.”

So you’re doing everything you can to make mummies sexy?

“Yeah!”

I’m going to be a lawyer, so I’ve got to know, how good is your lawyer to draft your contract? Because he’d have to get royalties from now until infinity, right? Where’d you find him?

“I’ll tell you where to find… You’ve got to get a Hebrew lawyer, man. (laughs).”

There’s some rumors floating around that a couple of y’all might be famous Grammy Award-Winning musicians. So which one of you started that rumor?

“Somebody’s mother probably started that rumor, you know what I mean?”

I was going to say if your publicist is good enough to start that rumor, then why aren’t mummies sexy all over the place?

“You ever heard of the joke, “You fucked one sheep”? You ever heard that one?”

I haven’t, no.

‘Well, this guy comes in and he’s like, “I built the church with my own hands, you know? But they never call me ‘Ryan the Church-builder’ do they? No. And I taught a whole bunch of children, I taught them how to read and write. But they never call me ‘Ryan the Teacher.’ No. But you fuck one sheep!”

You know what I mean?  So you know, you just rock one shit one time, and someone talks about the Grammy’s, and now everybody talks about the Grammy’s.

I love my Grammy, she’s a sweet lady.”

 

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