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'G.I. No Show' – A Retaliation

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I know the latest G.I. Joe movie has come and gone from the theaters, but I  can’t help but give you my personal battle of hatred towards the latest flop-fest of one of my all time favorite cartoons. Maybe hate is the wrong word to describe the experience of viewing this film, but then again, maybe not. Let’s dissect this abomination, take what little substance there is and let Sargent Slaughter bury it with the rest of this Action-Packed pointless sequel.

For the majority of the public movie-going audience, your “Popcorn-Action films” that come out late spring – early summer are worth the price of admission. They’re not meant to have an intellectual plot that you have to decipher and the acting will be sub-par, but all you really want is to be entertained. Thankfully, “G.I Joe: Retaliation” is no exception to this. If the action you’re looking for is an explosion, shootout or ninja fight every 5 minutes, well look no further, this movie delivers on a high velocity level. The action is non-stop, there’s always a piece of eye candy for all the ladies and you’re never left wondering exactly where the movie is headed. To sum up the good qualities of the film, basically, you’re headed into a “Plot-be-damned” action film made for those who just  want to watch a thoughtless film and leave happy that the good guys came out on top. Well GO JOE!! Because that’s what you’re in for.

The plot is simple enough. The movie is a continuation from the first film where Zartan takes over as President of The Untied States, tries to exterminate the G.I. Joe task force and have Cobra utilized as the new face of government power. The movie moves along at full speed, so fast,  we have no chance to really wrap our minds around why our government would give a known terrorist group such power, you would think someone would speak up in regards to that little plan. But that’s besides the point. You’re too involved with the full-throttle movement of the action, you really don’t care! It’s fun to watch on screen as all hell breaks lose. You’re substituting plot for action and violence, and that works sometimes. There are scenes in the movie where they want you to care about these individuals, but the actors feel stale and often clueless as to how to even portray their characters for these tear-jerking scenes. You have the world’s most elite, hard-ass, strategic military group, but they also have a tender side? That’s cute! Nah, not buying it! Give em’ the BOOT DUKE! That’s all I want in my Joe movies. I want that group that completely destroys the opposition, kick in the terrorist’s heads and make me feel proud to be an American! I felt ashamed buying my ticket for this movie, because I felt as though the movie portrayed patriotism as more of a joke. But like I said, it delivers on some parts, but just not the important ones.

You would think, with the amount of star power this movie provides, we would receive some note worthy performances, especially from Bruce Willis. However, we unfortunately get phoned in emotionless acting that only Jean-Claude Van Dam would be proud of, and I have his Claude-ograph (Sorry Jean-Claude, you’re still my real American Hero, even if you weren’t born here.) Most of the cast seemed like they were there for fill-in, rather than filler. I laughed at the amount of juicy one liners the cast threw out at times, only to sympathize at other moments at how truly sad the attempt was. I mean, let’s make light of the subject matter of terrorism. I know, I know, I shouldn’t get too bent out of shape about this, but for such a patriotic force that the “Joe’s” symbolize, they should be down for the task and get their game faces on. Maybe it’s just me, but I never found anything too funny about the original series, so making this movie more of a “Comedy-Action,” just like the first film, was more of a slap in the face for the fans of the cartoon.

By the time the ending credits rolled, I really thought about how short the movie felt. And that left me wondering if there was something I missed. Nope. I didn’t, I could summarize the entire film in four words. But I don’t want to really spoil anything for you movie goers….oh well, I’ll let the snake out of the bag. COBRA GETS SMASHED, AGAIN!  That’s all you truly need to know about the film, and “knowing is half the battle!” I saved you 10 bucks and you can thank me in the comments below.

 

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  1. I didnt see this one…. and that was on purpose. I imagined that it was going to be exactly like you described. That being said, I feel like I made a solid choice to skip this one. Thank you for validating that for me. 🙂

  2. I didnt see this one…. and that was on purpose. I imagined that it was going to be exactly like you described. That being said, I feel like I made a solid choice to skip this one. Thank you for validating that for me. 🙂

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